The Detox Edition

Work Hard, Play harder. Words to live by eh? Take it too far and they’ll quickly become words to die by. Or more accurately, words to feel like death the next morning by.

You all know the score – head pounding like you’re the one guy who really did get roundhouse kicked by Chuck. Mouth feeling like a hamster fell asleep in it, and he’s not waking up for the world. And the bags under your eyes are so big Pick ‘n Pay wants to sell them at the till.

I, for one, have had enough. And my body’s been trying to let me in on this “secret” for a while now. Enter the Detox (*insert studio audience Oooooh*) Fresh air, clean living, good food etcetera. Sounds like a pretty good plan, but where to start? So I do the logical thing and Google it, at which point I ‘m directed to “Colon Cleanse for Radiant Health, a site by Martha Volchok””Great, Now even the internet is trying to tell me I’m full of shit. Moving along then…

After a few more keystrokes accompanied by a bit of reading and searches I arrive at the following conclusions:

i) Smoking, it not so good for me

ii) Drinking, it also not so good for me, (but yummier than smoking)

iii) Americans not really good for anything

iv) Fast food called fast cos it get to belly quick.

Now, in a move that has been met with raised eyebrows, mocking chuckles and grins of disbelief, I’ve given up all of the above. Including Americans. At least for a month anyway. The object of this dastardly plan is to feel good during the month of June, which is of course, my birthday month, so then when THAT raucous party happens and I feel like I need a colon cleansing the next day, at least I know for sure it was THAT party, and not jus a knock on effect.

I’ve already started on the road to feeling annoyingly good, starting with Small Guy Big Car chucking out a ¾ full pack of Camel Lights out on the N1 and revoking my drinking privileges on Sunday night at Deluxe (which rocked, btw). And I must admit that I actually feel pretty crap. No relief, no looking like the lady on the Senakot ad. But then, that might be cos I haven’t had my colon cleansed lately (have you?).

So if anybody feels like they need to take a break and detox, get that sparkle in your eye back, or that spring in your step. Then do it now. Cos the more of you that do it too, the les of you there are to make fun of me.

Cheers (without a drink) till next week,

Completely useless P.S’s:

Firstly, the next One Night stand event is coming soon, so keep your eyes and ears peeled for that.

Second, some of you know that I do a bit of design on the side, and consider it a sort of informal duty to completely rubbish SL Magazine’s cover each month. Well, here’s what’s come up for this month:

Bill Cosby

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”

My mother never had that advantage, but somehow she made it work for her. A true sign of her determination to not merely beat my ass, but to beat my ass in style.

Lester

The Insignificant edition

The point is, that I’m (insert age here)years old, and life is moving on. I’m more mature, with some more wisdom. And now I fell like I want to leave something behind for those who are still coming along.”
Look back, look left, look right, look in the mirror. Everyone you’ve just seen is scared shitless. Scared of what? Scared of living an entire life and not really mattering. Scared of leaving nothing behind but a home loan and a set of dentures. Scared of being insignificant in the greater scheme of things.

Whoa..slow down there buddy. Isn’t this a bit heavy for a cold Tuesday morning? Yes and No.

a) I thought this up on Sunday.

b)It’s not all depressing, so read on.

Now you all know what ‘m talking about, we’ve all thought it at some point (haven’t we?). That’s why we go to varsity, graduate, get a job, be the shit. Did anybody recognize the quote? Only one of you should, really. It’s still a fresh one as far as quotes go, and was [m]uttered by none other than Small Guy Big car on Friday night. And the man has a point.

The problem with the whole legacy thing is that we keep running into shit along the way. Bad decisions, bad debt, bad relationships, just general bad shit.(that’s four time’s now he’s said shit in one newsletter, what would Freud say?)People keep telling me that its not about how many times you fall down, but how fast you get up. And I always want to give them a helpful nudge off a cliff when they say it. Lets’ see how fast you get up then, punk. But alas, I’m starting to realize that they are actually right. After a while you stop worrying about the small things that merely bother you, and focus on issues that really concern you. MAN that was a grown up thing to say. Anyway – moving on. If you don’t learn to brush the insignificant things aside, you become the insignificant things that other people bother about. Think about it. Without Goliath, David was nothing but a punk throwing rocks. So it is that your obstacles can define who you are, not because they squished you, but because you took it too ’em, and won.

I reckon that if we can find the balance between focus and obsession when it comes to life, we’ll be alright. So this week I learned that I don’t need a Porsche to prove that I’m worth something, or a mansion to prove I’m cool. That being said, this doesn’t mean that I don’t want one and won’t steal yours from you. And more importantly, I figured out that just cos your names not written in lights (or cement, or whatever) doesn’t make you insignificant. Your the prick that does it to yourself.

So this week, don’t be a prick. Act responsibly, be crazy, pay your bills and laugh waaaay too hard at least once a day *gag – cliché*

Cheers till next time I bother you,

You all suck…

Yes, you all do… If figured that by now someone would’ve at Least sent an email. Something. But Nooooooo. Not you buggers. OKay, okay – I’ll try to calm down. *gives earlobes a quick tug* Not one of you even posted a stoopid comment by another person. Now, if no one does this, how are we supposed to save ourselves and our loved ones from saying stupid things? People – this is for your own safety, trust me.
So we’ll do this, try the stoopid person search again. Even if you don’t want to, or don’t know how to submit a comment on the blog, email it to me and I’ll submit it for you. Just include the nickname you wanna post as.
Now – those of you who’ve managed to take offence to this, and think I’m an overly sensitive girly boy. Damn right. So there.
Anyway, the real newsletter will be out first thing on Tuesday morning, by which time I’ll have had some more sleep and won’t be such a horrible person. Until then, I think I’ll enjoy being a bit of a bastard for a while.

God I hate mondays….

Oh, a little P.S: If you have any pics like the one below from Damien, that you want me to load to the blog, then send ’em. You can mail them directly to me, or send an mms to this email addess if you took it with your fone.

Here’s Twakkie…

People Say The Stupidest Things…

Someone somewhere said something really stupid to me this morning. although it felt more like they were saying it at me, it was that bad. The first thing I wanted to do right after was pull a Cell C – Tell Someone. and then I promptly forgot what she said. Figures.
Anyway, got me thinking that all really stupid things that people say should be documented and stored in a central, easily accessable place, so that other people like us know what not to say. Enter The Internet.
Today’s little mission is for you to find the stupidest that someone has said. Use the google bar on the left, and let rip.

My favourite one so far is from Jurassic Park:

“You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin.” – Laura Dern, actor, about the special effects in the movie Jurassic Park.

Think you can top that? Then off you go.

Till next time

The Suprisingly Unstressful Stress Edition

I hope that this, the third installment of You Are Here finds you in good health and good spirits after a nice long weekend. Actually for the most part I just hope that it finds you, or more correctly finds your inbox. It’s Tuesday morning. Back at work. Back at Varsity. Man I wish this weekend was (even) longer. Who’s with me? Thought so. This week’s edition of the newsletter-you-look-forward-to-so-much-you-can’t-even-sleep is about stress.

Why stress, I hear you ask? Well, cos it’s my letter and I say so dammit! Sorry about that. Deep breaths. Woo-saaa. *pops happy pill* What I meant to say, is that we all have stress. It’s a part of every day life and to be honest, we don’t really know a whole helluva lot about it. I spent a bit of time thinking about stress over this past weekend. Not because I was particularly stressed, but rather the converse (read: opposite; not two tone flat shoes). Like most of you, I’m quite a busy bee – work, study, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend (enough with the jokes Fun Guy), whatever. The point is that we’re so used to scurrying around chasing deadlines and timelines that when it finally comes to some time off, we spend most of it counting down the time till we go back. Sorta like holding our breath waiting for something to happen. If you know exactly what I’m talking about, grab a name tag and introduce yourself to the group. The first thing that I did on my day of was to get a cold. Apparently my body’s been meaning to get one for a while now, but just never had the time. A sneeze here, a cough there, but never the full Monty. Now finally it had the time it needed to concentrate and get me feeling completely crap. Bastard. Anyway – the upshot is that I now to get to flop in bed drinking soup and writing dribble like this for your amusement. And not stress about anything. And I have to admit – the feeling is great. Being away from the pressure of projects and deadlines and family members moaning and friends pitching up late for the movies or the club or the braai. Any or all of the above can stress me out. That’s why it was just nice to have some time to do some nothing…and a whole lot of it. If you haven’t done it in a while, then I highly recommending getting a cold and feeling utterly crap. Take the time to relax and you’ll feel great the next week. Sorta.
Last week I went on a stress management course at work. Not (entirely) cos I’m about to pop cos of my stress levels, but mostly so I could understand stress. The iCAS, whoever the hell they are, have defined stress as “Wear and tear our bodies experience as we adjust to continually changing environment.” FYI – They left out the ‘s’ at the end not me, but hey – a quote is a quote. So I see what they mean when they say that too little stress is a bad thing. That means that there’s too little change, i.e. you’re bored. And if change is as good as a holiday then you’ve got a vacation every time your deadline moves or you’re assignment’s due. It might be a really crappy holiday resort with lousy weather and grouchy travel companions, but hey – at least the coffee’s good.
So this week, chill out, kick back and take a vacation at your desk. If that doesn’t work, phone a friend cos I guarantee you someone, somewhere is having a worse day that you are. It’s just a matter of finding them.

Till next week,


The Awkward Second Edition


Dear Peoples
As you may or (more likely) may not have noticed, this week there are two emails from me in your inbox. For some of you, this is a startlingly low quantity (just ask the price complaints department at Musica) while for others, these two mails already make up your annual quota (sorta like good tackles from the Stormers).

Now, if you’ve read the first email (or post) ermm…first, then you already know what all this is about . If you haven’t, allow me a moment to explain. This is to be a weekly newsletter, which if the Fun Guy (more commonly known as Will) is correct, is brought about by some sort of quarter life crisis. Is he right? You be the judge. (Do I look fat in these shoes?)

One thing that he is right about, is that I’ve been in a very reflective mood lately. That does not mean that I’ve been very shiny and had people stare at me to check their make-up, but rather that I’ve been giving lots of meaning of life type thought to things. Things I don’t usually bother with, cos face it – I’m only 22.

For those who know Damien, he was involved in a car crash not too long ago. He and the Fun Guy were in the car, and both made it out okay. But it could easily have gone the other way. Very easily in fact. And that got me to thinking. Got a lot of us thing really, about our priorities. Why do we do the things that we do? Why do we think the way we do? Why do we spend time on certain things? Is it really worth it?

Answers, regrettably have not been aplenty, but I think that the positive part is

a) We’re thinking
b) It’s about something positive
c) It’s not Porn

Sorry, the last part just slipped in (scuze the pun). Just saw Kirk Franklin on Oprah admitting that he has a problem admiring all God’s creations in their natural splendour. Classic!*

Many of us are nearing the end of our university days, or have already hit the workforce and are no doubt thinking “Where am I going?” For me, the answer is sorta clearing up:
You are here. You want to be there. So what you need to do is make the best of here until it becomes there. And then find the next there to turn your new here into. Confused? Then bloody well read it again and draw a picture. But the first, and most important step, is deciding where ‘there’ is. Is it working for an insurance company, or taking the leap to be a vet? Is it answering phones on crappy shifts or putting up with some shit for a while to get to where you want. This only you can answer for yourself. And I for one, hope you get to the answer soon.

I hope that I’ll get some responses to this from you (lazy bastards) and that you’ll make use of the chat forum once I have it up and running. Oh yes, forget to tell you – I’m working on a chat forum. It should be up and running soon (in a completely non jogger sort of way).

On a lighter note, I’d like to say belated Happy 21st to Claudia (yes, the rest of you DID forget, and remind you that Grant’s birthday is coming up soon (21 April). The boys are going to shoot a game or two of pool out at Stones in Parow on Thursday night, and anyone who wants to come along is more than welcome. As for the weekend, no plans yet for Friday, but Saturday’s looking like a good night for a braai. What say you?

A friendly warning: Just because I say I have no plans, does not in fact make it 100% certain. There exists the very real chance that I’ve already made plans with Jill and have just forgotten. Again. Anyway,

Till next week,
Cheers

*someone somewhere is playing “Stomp” and laughing their ass off*

You are here: Let’s Start Something!

Tuesday, 20 September 2005, 4:20 AM. I’ve just registered my own web space. My very own web domain. Cool! Now what? As with most techno-gadgety-thingamajigs I signed up as soon as I saw it. Read the manual, figured out how it worked, and then got bored. 4:27 AM. But this is my own web space! My slice of the information highway; my connection to the digital age. I need to do something with it, but what? And then it hit me, like my mother when I fall asleep in church. The idea followed a particularly satisfying belch induced by a too long pull on my Stoney – I’ll write.

I’ve always wanted to write, you know – books and crap like that. At one stage I even considered it as a career. Finish School, go to varsity, get a job writing something. But that middle bit just seemed like too much of a mission. In addition I was always afraid that I’d be, well, you know…kak. But that’s where you come in. Ja jy.

I’m going to write this letter slash diary slash bitch and moan sessie and send it to you. YOU encompasses anyone who was simpel enough to call themselves my friend, or stupid enough to give me their e-mail address. Or both. The beauty part of all this is that you don’t need to go out and buy it. I’ll shove it straight into your inbox, whether you like it or not. And I know you’re to bloody nosey not to read it. Now some of you might be thinking “‘se moer,” I’ll just delete that damn thing.’ And that’s where Plan B comes in – The Surprise Phone Call (said in Std 2 singsong voice). I’ll phone your ass and ASK you what you thought of the letter. Half of you are too slap gat to reply via e-mail anyway.

The next question that faced me was a biggie – what the hell could I possibly have to say that you would want to read? Well, I realized quite a bit actually. This letter is about me; (and you). We don’t see each other much – life, work, studies, boyfriend, girlfriend, pet goldfish, bla bla bla. This, for me, is a way to keep in touch, even if you don’t write back. At least I’ll know that I’ve tried to be a better friend, so you can be the one that feels kak when you eventually bump into me at Canal Walk. By accident. Again. (this does not apply to Damien – please no bumping).

I want the letter to be about life, ambition, weekends and most importantly, my friends. I want you guys to write me if you liked something I said, or didn’t like something I said, or felt that there was something that I should’ve said. I want to send your letters out too (edited, of course – mens wiet nooit met julle skollies nie). And I want to have fun. This could also be a great way to let everyone know what you’re up to for the weekend, which parties you’ll be at, which club you’re going to hit. You get the idea. Send me a mail with your plans, and if someone wants to meet you there, then away you go. Even if they can’t (don’t want to) meet you there, at least they can ask how it was, and did you have fun. ‘Cos that’s what friends do.

Now, I’m planning on sending this thing out once a week, probably on Monday or Tuesday morning. If for some reason, the letter forgot the directions to your inbox, it is not because I forgot/overslept/had a babelas. It is because the entire internet is broken and there was no way to send it (despite my superhuman efforts). This happens from time to time, as my boss can confirm. On a real note, if you don’t get the letter, e-mail Damien. He won’t be able to help, but 8 times out of ten it’ll be his fault that the letter is late. At least then he can tell you how much fun we had that weekend. If you can’t get hold of Damien, try Grant – it’ll be his fault the other 2 times.

I guess that pretty much sums up what I wanted to say this week. Now you – yes YOU, reply to this and let me know what you think. Tell me what you wanna hear about, what you wanna know about, where you wanna go and who should be added to this list. Oh – and if I sent you this, but you don’t particularly care for me, please let me know. That way the next time I see you, I can know to be suur and moerig with you. Winter’s coming and I’ve got some boep to lose, and since being befok burns twice as many calories as being jolly, you too can help.

So have a kak day, stomp around the office, push a student down Jammie steps, burn some calories being befok. Whatever. Just don’t tell anyone I told you to do it.

Till next week,
Cheers