Kill Bill 2 (Abridged Script)

This was sent to me via twitter.com/the_dre after posting Kill Bill in One Minute

FADE IN:

INT. WEDDING CHAPEL

UMA THURMAN is about to marry a GUY WE DON’T CARE ABOUT BECAUSE HE IS ABOUT TO DIE. DAVID CARRADINE enters the scene, being CHARISMATIC and LIKEABLE but also SADISTIC.

DAVID CARRADINE

I’m here to destroy your wedding and kill everyone here.

UMA THURMAN

Didn’t we already see this scene?

DAVID CARRADINE

Yeah, but we only saw the interesting parts of it, now it’s time for the leftover crap that didn’t fit in the first movie. Most of this film will have this feel.

The pointless scene continues until it finally CEASES, only to be replaced by an even more pointless scene.


EXT. OUTSIDE A TRAILER

DAVID CARRADINE talks to MICHAEL MADSEN.

DAVID CARRADINE

Michael, Uma Thurman is alive. She’s on a violent rampage and yours is the next character on her list.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Damn. How much time do I have?

DAVID CARRADINE

Well, there are a lot of pointless filler scenes in this movie, so you might have a while.

MICHAEL MADSEN

I think I’ll make one of those right now.

He goes to the STRIP CLUB, where he works. Once there, he gets chewed out for being late by the slowest-talking cocaine user in this history of film. Then he gets fired. Then he just comes back to his trailer.

MICHAEL MADSEN

That bought me some extra screen time.

We see UMA THURMAN, dressed as a ninja who is about to totally flip out and kill MICHAEL.

UMA THURMAN

Get ready everyone. You’re about to witness another totally awesome fight sequence like those in Kill Bill Volume 1.

As soon as she pounces, Michael shoots her in the chest.

MICHAEL MADSEN

That was ridiculously easy. Now I will bury you alive in a scene made terrorizing solely by the foley artist.

He does. The scene is interrupted by more FILLER THAT BELONGED IN THE PREVIOUS FILM.

FADE TO:

EXT. THE ORIENT – MANY YEARS AGO

UMA meets CHIA HUI LIU, who abuses her and therefore trains her.

CHIA HUI LIU

You may never know when you need to punch straight through a wooden board with no wind-up room. One example that comes to mind is if you were buried alive in a scene made terrorizing solely by the foley artist, and you needed to punch your way out of a coffin and then somehow through a huge mound of dirt that weighs even more. As such, here is a board. Punch it until you are spiritual and well trained.

She DOES. Just so we know how hard she trained, we are treated to three of four redundant sequences in which CHIA trains her very HARD. Eventually, she is trained. Back in the coffin, she escapes and punches her way through a huge mound of compacted dirt.

INT. MICHAEL MADSENS TRAILER

DARYL HANNAH enters and KILLS MICHAEL using a BLACK MAMBA SNAKE.

MICHAEL MADSEN

Ack! Killed by a snake, after being part of the Deadly Viper Assassin Squad. The irony is so thick that it’s suffocating me! Gulp!

DARYL HANNAH

And that’s not all. This is a Black Mamba snake that’s killing you, which is the same snake after which Uma Thurman is named.

MICHAEL MADSEN

So much..irony…can’t breathe..ack!

(dies)

UMA enters and fights DARYL. She WINS.

DARYL HANNAH

My eye! Gar! Stage 4 complete, please advance to final stage!

(dies, maybe)

UMA gets into her car and drives to see MICHAEL PARKS.

MICHAEL PARKS

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah. Blah blah blah blah.

UMA THURMAN

Aren’t you the cop from the first movie?

MICHAEL PARKS

Bla Blah? Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah.

UMA THURMAN

So I suppose that, before I can fight David Carradine, I have to fight your army of prostitutes, eh?

MICHAEL PARKS

Blah blah.

UMA THURMAN

Really? Where?

MICHAEL PARKS

Blah blah down the road blah.

UMA THURMAN

That was easy. And incredibly pointless. You’re not even an entertaining cameo, you’ve already been in this fucking movie. Whatever. Bye.

INT. DAVID CARRADINE’S HOME

UMA THURMAN enters, ready to thrill everyone with a climactic battle between evil and less evil, the culmination of over four hours of bloodthirsty revenge.

DAVID CARRADINE

You have a kid. She’s adorable.

UMA’S KID pretend shoots UMA THURMAN, deciding she’d rather continue playing her game than run to the arms of the mother she has wished to meet for so long.

UMA THURMAN

I am teeming with internal conflict.

AUDIENCE

At long last, a Quentin Tarantino film that exists on its own, not bogged down with any forced conversations about madonna or foot rubs or quarter-pounders or other banal garbage stuck into the film as filler because Tarantino and his friends think their conversations are so damn funny.

DAVID CARRADINE

Let me tell you about the social commentary of Superman as compared to that of Spider-man or Batman, and relate it weakly to the plot as it currently stands.

AUDIENCE

Dammit.

Inane dialogue is spoken for a while. Eventually, it is time for the FINAL BATTLE.

QUENTIN TARANTINO

Alright. Time for the ultimate swordfight on the beach outside under the moonlight that David commented on moments ago. This will be the final consummation to all for which Uma has worked.

(checks calendar)

Oh shit, we’ve gone over our production deadline. Guess I shouldn’t have wasted so many days shooting all the useless filler bullshit peppered all over this film. Ah well.

UMA kills DAVID anti-climactically.

END

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Lester

Hi, my name is Lester. I'm a music lover, an avid blogger and a bit of a geek. In addition to being a people person, I'm fascinated by the internet and over the last 4 years I've become very passionate about technology, especially email marketing, blogging, social media, and community management. Thanks for reading my blog ;)